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Pairing sillies meme!
This meme seems to be going around again - I got it via ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
avanti_90. I need something to bribe myself to get to-do list done with, anybody want to give me a pairing and some numbers?
It can be any pairing from any of the fandoms you know I know canon for, except I'm going to exclude RPF this time, because I'm so incredibly behind on canon for all my old RPF fandoms. (There are some fiction canons I'm also incredibly behind on, I'll let you know if you hit one of them.)
Comment with the name of a ship from a fandom I know and I will tell you a bit about how each of the following scenarios would go down for them:
1. Fake dating
2. Bodyswap
3. Sexpollen/fuck or die/aliens made them do it
4. Dark!fic
5. Their first kiss
6. Meeting the parents
7. Moving in together
8. A crossover of my choice
9. An AU of my choice
10. If you like, another trope/scenario of your choice
avanti_90. I need something to bribe myself to get to-do list done with, anybody want to give me a pairing and some numbers?It can be any pairing from any of the fandoms you know I know canon for, except I'm going to exclude RPF this time, because I'm so incredibly behind on canon for all my old RPF fandoms. (There are some fiction canons I'm also incredibly behind on, I'll let you know if you hit one of them.)
Comment with the name of a ship from a fandom I know and I will tell you a bit about how each of the following scenarios would go down for them:
1. Fake dating
2. Bodyswap
3. Sexpollen/fuck or die/aliens made them do it
4. Dark!fic
5. Their first kiss
6. Meeting the parents
7. Moving in together
8. A crossover of my choice
9. An AU of my choice
10. If you like, another trope/scenario of your choice
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(no, okay it's been awhile since I re-read the first book, but didn't he use "I was protecting Renee's reputation" as a cover for the much sketchier stuff they were doing late at night together? I'm p. sure that until he got with Kim, most of London had been deliberately convinced they were having a not-all-that-secret affair. I didn't just build all that up in my head did I?)
Anyway I'm pretty sure that Renee is really not attracted to dudes at all. She got pretty good at faking it when necessary but of course Mairelon, being Mairelon, picked up on it the first time he met her. And it seemed like a 100% perfect excuse to get various relatives off his back, so he offered to spend her first "Season" as her v. v. eligible suitor. After her Coming Out Ball, when she was acceptably established as a wizard and could get away with slightly more socially, he did something AMAZINGY caddish and she broke up with him in the most dramatic and messy way possible because they both thought that would be amusing. And then he had an excuse to go overseas 'in disgrace' for awhile and she had an excuse to be too 'devastated' to have to entertain any more suitors for at least a year.
Since then they've had an on-again-off-again fake affair as one or both of them needed a convenient alibi/beard. Being a wizard makes Renee's reputation just elastic enough that she can get away with a 'secret' affair as long as he's of the correct class and she doesn't flaunt it, so it's perfect for both of them.
Renee's never felt the least temptation to make it a real thing, even though she's occasionally gotten hints that Mairelon would be up for it if she would, they were very gentle hints and not at all awkward to ignore, and he never made it weird. And she does love him but not quite enough to make up for the 'not attracted to men' thing. Now that Mairelon's married to Kim, though, their old arrangement is going to have to change, because neither one of them is going to risk hurting Kim.... Renee's considering sending out hints of her own, though, if Kim and Mairelon were up for it she thinks she could do that.... especially if Kim ever needed to play up the "my husband is going back to his old mistress!" thing in order to get information out of someone....
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OK here:
Cosette lives in an asteroid with her Papa. The whole asteroid is theirs. She remembers, vaguely, when they first came there, that they were just living in one little dark cave with a rickety atmosphere plant, but every year they do something to make it better, and now she has gardens, and a domed balcony where she can see the sun, and a library, and oh! so much. They're mostly self-sufficient but every so often her papa has to take their little rock-hopper and go get the supplies they can't make themselves from Mars, and she's by herself for weeks.
But one day! While her Papa is gone! Another rockhopper crash-lands on her asteroid. And there's another girl in it. Cosette remembers that there used to be other girls but it's been so long since she's seen anyone but her Papa. The girl is hurt but Cosette brings her inside and nurses her back to health. She says her name is Eponine and she keeps looking at Cosette like she recognizes her, but she won't say anything about where she came from.
That's okay though, Papa won't say anything about where they came from either, and Cosette really likes having a friend, and she doesn't seem to be in a hurry to leave. But then Papa never comes back?? And it's been longer than it ever was before, so she asks Eponine if they can fix her rock-hopper and go find him, and Eponine is like, look, you don't want to go out there, it's not safe?? And Cosette is like what do you mean??? and Eponine is like, I thought you were keeping me away from the radios on purpose so I wouldn't tell anyone about you but do you actually not know anything about anything? and Cosette is like radios? what do you mean, radios?
and Eponine is like?? Do you not know that there's a civil war going on out there? And that you're the spitting image of Prince Tholomyes, only with hair? I figured you were his daughter he was hiding away to keep safe?
and Cosette is like? ? daughter? I never had a dad, my Papa saved me when my mother died of space-dust-lung in that mining colony?? but actually ! It turns out Cosette IS a Secret Space Princess! And they go and save the asteroid belt from the forces of tyranny with the help of Eponine's little brother and his friends! And rescue her Papa along the way!
and like at some point someone tries make Cosette marry the grandson of her Dad's advisor Lord Gillenormand and she's like, look, you're pretty and all, but I'm in love with Eponine, and Eponine is like, I can't believe I used to have a poster of that nerd hanging above my bunk, and Cosette goes, oh come on he's not so bad, and then kisses her and says, but I like you better.
OR something like that anyway???
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"How else," he asked the Headmistress, "could he have saved those kids from the angry cave troll?"
"Um, he hit it. Very hard. With a hoe," the Headmistress answered. "It's all right here in the report?"
Javert gritted his teeth and stalked out. She was protecting him, he knew it. The man was flouting wizarding law! Right here, in the very heart of French Wizardry! And they were all just looking the other way! How dare they all disrespect the authority of the law! Well, his job was to protect the wizarding community from unauthorized magic users, and he was going to bring that man to justice if it was the last thing he did!
"Of course," the gardener said, "You can watch me work for awhile if you'd like and there's nothing more important that needs doing."
Javert grimaced. He was sure he'd been hidden perfectly well by that shrubbery. Was the man also using detection charms???
...the gardener at Beauxbatons did a lot of gardening. He spent two days watching him dig in the dirt and pull leaves off of plants and other... garden-y things. As far as Javert can tell he's doing it all with just his muscles. His ... muscles. Watching him work gives Javert funny feelings. Un-auror-like feelings. He needs to stop. But not until he has his evidence.
Finally gardener goes over to the plot by the Herbology greenhouses! And he puts on a pair of earmuffs and goes to pull some mandrakes.
"Ahah!" Javert says, pouncing on him, and then it's all a bit of a blur as the Gardener puts him in a headlock and rolls them both twenty feet across the garden. He just barely hears the tail end of a scream past the way both his ears are pressed into warm muscle.
"That was a close one," the gardener says. "Be more careful when I'm in the magical plants plot!"
Javert tries to ignore the way his heart is fluttering from the close call. Maybe the man saved his life but he's also breaking the law. "You're using magic!" he points a finger. "I knew it! You can't raise magical plants without using magic!"
The gardener shakes his head. "You don't have to cast spells to grow mandrake," he say gently. "You just have to show them a little care and concern. Do you want me to show you how?"
...and so on and so forth etc.
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"I deduce, Watson," Holmes said to me, "That you have been walking in the high meadows, and off the usual trails."
This was not so spectacular a deduction, as we had been spending a few days at an inn, in a lovely part of Scotland, in connexion with a case, and it was a beautiful sunny morning in the Spring; but I was in a pleasant enough mood, and said "And what has led to this deduction?"
He reached up and ran his fingers along my sleeve, and then rubbed them against each other, showing the coat of yellow powder they had acquired. "Pollen," he said. "You are entirely covered in it, my dear."
I laughed. "It is only ordinary buttercups," I said. "There was a lovely meadow, all full of them. I think you would like to see it."
He considered this. "I don't believe they were only ordinary buttercups," he said. "In fact, they may very well be the missing piece that I have come here to search for."
I laughed again: it was a day for laughing. "Surely you cannot tell that, just from a bit of pollen," I told him.
"You would be surprised what information can be deduced from just a bit of pollen," he said. "But you are, in this case, correct: I base my supposition more on the fact that in the ordinary course of events, you would not have come into the inn's common room and directly sat on my lap, with your arms around my neck."
I considered this. "Why wouldn't I?"
He cocked his head at me. "I suppose it appears to you perfectly natural?"
I ran my fingers along his lips. "Of course it does! Why should it not?"
He smiled at me, and his eyes crinkled. I was caught, as always, by the striking subtlety of their color. "I cannot imagine why not," he said. "Even so. If you could see yourself to releasing me for only a moment, so that I can gather some needful supplies, I would be delighted to inspect this meadow of yours."
I did so gladly enough, as difficult as it was to release him, and he ducked into the kitchen, muttering to himself, returning a few minutes later with a few items, courtesy of our friendly hostess. I wrapped my hands around his waist and peered over his shoulder. "The jars, flannels, and the waxed paper, I understand, if you plan to collect samples," I said. "But why the cushions and the olive oil?"
"They may, indeed, be unnecessary," he told me, with one of his more inscrutable expressions: "But I suspect otherwise, and that you will come to thank me for my foresight."
I did. Although not until quite late in the afternoon, after a sudden shower had washed all the pollen out of the air.
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The best bits with Jormun and Orka are from near the end of the epic and come after a long sequence that describes how King Fimmtihoggr and Karl Hannsson (which seems to mean "Man, son of he" and is usually considered to be some kind of lost kenning or something) have just died fighting three great monsters that emerged from their lair. The last two great warriors of Skaðardóma, Rádýrlō Býkot and Mæki Konigsdottir, on advice from Jormun and King Hann Austmaðr (who is Karl's father and Fimmtihoggr's oath-brother), have decided to slay the last of the three monsters and then dive into the lair itself to destroy them all together.
However, in the forest, Orka has slain the "dragon's-daughter" and been bathed in her blood as she died; he is seeing visions of doom and destruction when Jormun finds him and together they cut out the dragon's heart, roast it, and eat it. After they've done this they can, of course, understand the language of the birds, and a flock of crows land around them and start to talk among themselves about how Rádýrlō and Mæki Konigsdottir are fools, because the lair of the mother of monsters is guarded by two great clashing rocks, and only her children may pass through them without being crushed to death.
After this Orka and Jormun run back to the hall of Skaðardóma and tell this to Rádýrlō and Mæki just as they are about to dive in; on hearing this, they take with them the body of the last of the three monsters, described as 'the little brother of Jormungandr,' towing him behind their great ship Hættafári, and plan to push it into the lair to open the way for them.
Then there's a long sequence about their dive into the sea with the monster's blood all around them, but as they get closer to the entrance to the lair, the sea-serpent's body begins to thrash about; it wasn't actually dead. They are forced to drop it onto the seafloor ahead of them, where its final death-throes collapse the entrance to the lair entirely, blocking it forever.
Then there's a victory feast etc. etc.
Anyway there's also a shorter poem Far Eið Ormrþǫx ('Of the oath of the snake-badger', 'Ormrþǫx', presumably related to Old English aþexe, newt, being sometimes used as a byname for Orka), that's set apparently right after Fimmtihoggrskviða, which starts with several birds telling Orka that his fate will be the same as that of the monsters he helped to slay, because the blood of the dragon's daughter has mixed with his blood, and therefore never will he rest nor be free of pain, and always will he be outcast from the halls of Men; but Jormun hears this as well and tell him that if that is to be his fate, Jormun will swear brotherhood with him and share it, for as they both ate of the heart of the dragon's-daughter they will have the same blood as well. And presumably this is where you get references to "Orka and Jormun" elsewhere in Norse poetry ...?
Anyway I was going to translate some of the original verses for you but. Uh. This is probably enough for a meme comment.
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So. Uh. I feel like Dru meeting Spike's parents happened in canon? And I know there's canon-y stuff about Dru's parents but I don't know any of it. And most of the history of their vampire lineage is canon.
I... I kinda want to go way out in left field. And like: some point post-canon, Dru gets turned human again somehow? But she's not just human, because turns out she was a Potential all along, and post-Willow's spell, now that she's living, she becomes a Slayer.
But she's still Dru so, like, she decides to go back through the spirit world/time using her old Dru powers and her new Slayer spirit connections and fuck up the creepy dudes who decided that victimizing young girls was the way to solve the world's problems. And she drags Spike with her. On a millennia-long quest of making it so the Watchers' Council is afraid to sleep at night.
Does that work? I'm not sure if that actually works with canon but I kinda like it.
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Javert/Montparnasse, 1
Javert/Montparnasse, fake dating
Montparnasse didn't really care about the meeting. It was just going to be whatever particularly rancid scum had floated to the top after Claquesous and Babet were arrested with the rest of them at Thenardier's; the last men standing scrabbling among themselves for scrap. Claquesous and Babet would be out by the season's turning and everything would be back to business as usual in the Paris underworld.
In the meantime these idiots thought they mattered, and they'd invited Montparnasse because they thought he cared which of them won, and he's come, but mostly for the entertainment.
He was sitting in one of many dark corners of the cavernous, junk-filled ware house, listening idly to the conversation around him and not trying to be noticed, when he saw a very familiar top hat rising among the sea of hoods. A top hat and a pair of bushy sideburns and a high coat-collar. It could only be a certain Inspector.
Nobody else seemed to have noticed yet, and the man seemed to think he was being inconspicuous - which meant he hadn't come for arrests. Montparnasse brushed off the minor street robber who was trying to sell him something, and shoved his way thourgh the crowd until he could grab the man by the lapels and drag him into an even more shadowy and secluded alcove among the crumbling shelves and boxes. Then he shoved him up against the wall and cussed him out for an idiot, at length, in the vilest of argot.
The inspector wrapped his long arms around himself and frowned, "I am not an fool," he said, confirming at least that he knew the argot just as well as Montparnasse, "I am under orders to infiltrate this meeting, undercover."
"You're under orders to get yourself killed. Do you think I am the only person here who will recognize you? You cut a... distinctive figure, Inspector."
"And why do you care?"
Montparnasse waved his hands, incensed at the depths of idiocy around him. "Because the rest of these people are idiots! If they knew who you were they would drag you out and shoot you! And then none of use would have any peace, not until the police had taken is out in blood, and I don't--" Speaking of those idiots, he knew that particularly grating voice and thunking footstep; it was Croquembouche, one of the ones who wanted to be king of the sewers, and he was heading straight for them.
"Oh, for Christ's sake," Montparnasse said, just as the man stuck his head around the corner, and he yanked the Inspector's head down and pulled him into a bruising kiss.
"Montparnasse," Croquembouche said jovially, "I heard you found someone --oh."
Montparnasse turned his head just enough to growl "Fuck off," in his general direction.
"Yes, yes, of course," he said. "I'll just.. be over there, if you need me for anything," and he fled like the cockroach he was.
As soon as he was gone the Inspector shoved him violently away and said, "Don't touch me, you pervert, what the hell did you think you were doing?"
Montparnasse smirked and rocked back on his heels. "These people are all terrified of me, because I'm all that's left of Patron-Minette, and because I don't care about them. If they think you're with me, they won't dare touch you, even if they do figure out you're police. You're welcome," he added, and just like that, a policeman owed him a favor.
It'd be nice. He was about 60% certain that Claquesous was working for the police, or at least the Surete. It came in handy, in terms of access, and in terms of making sure the police had absolutely no evidence against him that they could use in court.
He could tell Javert knew it, too. If they'd had the evidence they'd've arrested Montparnasse months ago, but he'd always made sure he wasn't on the scene when anything risky was going on: he stuck to planning, and to knives in dark alleys with no witnesses left, and jobs where Claquesous could make the evidence disappear. Javert's superiors probably hadn't thanked him for putting Claquesous behind bars and knocking over the table with their carefully arranged game. That was probably why they'd sent him here to get himslef killed. Monparnasse coule respect that.
"I'm not thanking you," Javert growled back. But then he said - Montparnasse could hear the gears turning in his head - "You are telling me that if I stay with you I will have free access to this gathering."
Montparnass grinned and grabbed his wrist. "Come on, " he said, "I'll show you where the refreshments are." Entertaining, he though, would be the least of it.
...and then they mutually blackmailed each other into fake dating whenever one of them needed a cover, until Javert killed himself, but at least the sex was hot in the meantime, the end.
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Ivan/Byerly, first kiss
Byerly starts, like, trying to inject some suggestions of romance into their interactions? And touch him more? And expose him to galactic expressions of free sexuality? And so on?
It might have worked except Ivan's shenanigans radar goes off really early in the process. Very few people understand exactly how sensitive Ivan's shenanigans radar actually is. His mother, maybe, who supported him in developing it from a very early age. Gregor, who figured out eventually that if Ivan started quietly avoiding something for reasons he was unwilling to articulate it wouldn't be a bad idea to get Simon to look in that direction. Miles certainly never figured it out just how good Ivan was at detecting and avoiding plots because when Miles was directly involved Ivan usually let himself be dragged in anyway (also lbr Miles doesn't do subtle.) Byerly has some inkling, but he didn't really get to know Ivan until he was past the real peak of his defensive paranoia, so he doesn't understand just how well-tuned and reflexive that avoidance is.
So Byerly starts a subtle campaign of desensitizing Ivan to the idea of being in a romantic relationship with By, and Ivan's hindbrain figures out the "subtle campaign involving Vorrutyer" part long before he bothers to think about why there would be a plot, and frankly he got off of Barrayar he is DONE with secret plots, so he starts avoiding Byerly - turning down all his overtures just as subtly, but much more flatly, than By is offering them. Putting plenty of space between them. Making excuses to avoid social engagements. Shutting down attempts at conversation.
And By, of course, assumes he's avoiding him because of the gay sex part, not because of the 'secret plot' part, and gets kind of depressed, because, as he whined to Tej and Rish over drinks many times, he'd known Ivan was very Barrayaran but he hadn't realized he was that offended by the whole idea, and tbh Tej hadn't thought she'd married that kind of man either?
So finally Tej arranges to get them all four in the same room with the doors locked and goes "Ivan what is WITH you, By is very sad that you are avoiding him, he just wants to have sex with you." And a lightbulb goes on over Ivan's head as he suddenly figures it out and is like "OH! Is that what that was about, I thought someone was going to try to make me Emperor or blow up a wormhole or something," and Rish is like "Oh my god, no, we were just trying to gently feel you out about the concept of a foursome," and by this point By has just sort of folded over himself and is pretending he is not there? Because of course Ivan would assume the worst, what was he thinking.
And Ivan goes, "By. By, look at me. Seriously. What about me made you think it would take subtlety to talk me into a foursome?" and drags him into what is POSSIBLY the best kiss he's ever had, he now sort of understands why his cousin had such a soft spot for the idiot.
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Anyway, bodyswap is not that big of a thing for Loki, because, well, lots of experience. Also, hey, shapeshifter! Always zirself! But then there is that mild trauma around "the sin that shall not be forgiven" and all that. Then again, it's Sigurd; if there's anyone you don't have to feel guilty about fucking around with, it's Sigurd, 'cause c'mon, Sigurd, he can take care of himself, and if he can't he probably did something to deserve it.
So Loki-in-a-new-body can't actually just shapeshift it right back to the same as usual, because the body has its own memories (at least at first), but zie can shapeshift enough to get comfortable, which in this case means she ends up looking kinda like what would happen if Sigurd and girl!Loki had a kid.
This freaks Sigurd out. Also freaking Sigurd out: being in someone else's body, because he's done a lot of stuff but shapeshifting and bodyswitching aren't really his things; being in Loki's body, because what if somebody actually thinks he's Loki, ugh; being in Girl!Loki's body, because as soon as zie realized what was happening Loki shifted to female, because hey if you're going to fuck with Sigurd you might as well go all in; being in girl!Loki's body with girl!Loki constantly hitting on him while in a female version of his body.
Also he kinda has magic now? Because shapeshifter is something Loki is, so that went with zir, but magic is something Loki has, so some of it stayed with the body, only Sigurd hasn't had a chance to figure out how to do anything interesting with it, because did he mention Loki is hitting on him. A lot. And he's kind of hot? (She's hot too, yes, okay. But she's in Sigurd's body. And Sigurd's hot. The hottest. Obviously. So it's kind of distracting.)
So then there's f/f sex because obviously they both would.
This is also the point at which Sigurd suddenly realizes that actually he kind of sucks at sex with women why did nobody ever tell him it was supposed to be like this? and Loki gets very eyerolly.
At some point they do get around to figuring out that they should probably fix this but with Loki's magic kind of getting mixed up between the two bodies (and Loki having, uh, really crappy flashbacks to the last time she tried to deliberately take a body from someone, okay, which is not helping, especially since she can't tell Sigurd why she's having panic attacks) they end up having to go to Lorelei for help.
Lorelei laughs her ass off. And then sleeps with Loki in Sigurd's body, obviously, because it's a chance to fuck with Sigurd, why would you not.
There may also be a plot at some point? I'm not sure? Possibly involving Valkyries and/or Sif? Eventually they get switched back and then Sigurd asks Loki to teach him how to have sex with women such that they will actually enjoy it. And somehow: relationship.
Verity also laughs her ass off.
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Plot-wise it would probably actually be pretty different from the Paris revolt? I mean the obvious difference being that they don't all die and they do get a revolution. (With a bonus Queen, so maybe it'd be more like the July Rebellion....) But the underlying politics and culture (and tech!) are pretty different, too, so I suspect it wouldn't be just a scene-by-scene translation. Also, the Amis are older, and at least a couple of them served a deployment in the Romulan Grand Fleet. (Probably at least Combeferre and Bahorel?) Also at least a couple of them are Ship-Clan aristocracy come to ch'Rihan to be educated. Bahorel is an old friend of Nveid's.
When it's all said and done, Romulan-Valjean ends up a senator entirely against his will. He spends about a quarter of his time letting Arrhae and H'daen show him the ropes of being a sudden Senator, about a quarter of his time avoiding his daughter's father-in-law Senator tr'Gillenormand, and about a quarter of his time listening to young tr'Enjolras complain about they had a people's revolution and ended up with a Ruling Queen. He's trying to figure out how to get tr'Enjolras an audience with Ael and the Swords and the Empty Chair: at the very least, he figures, it won't be his problem after that.
Javert, with Valjean's sponsorship, becomes the first Romulan to go to Vulcan to study c'thia. Javert masters the disciplines much faster than anyone other than Valjean expected.
Gavroche joins Starfleet.
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