Pairing sillies meme!

[melannen]

This meme seems to be going around again - I got it via avanti_90. I need something to bribe myself to get to-do list done with, anybody want to give me a pairing and some numbers?

It can be any pairing from any of the fandoms you know I know canon for, except I'm going to exclude RPF this time, because I'm so incredibly behind on canon for all my old RPF fandoms. (There are some fiction canons I'm also incredibly behind on, I'll let you know if you hit one of them.)

Comment with the name of a ship from a fandom I know and I will tell you a bit about how each of the following scenarios would go down for them:
1. Fake dating
2. Bodyswap
3. Sexpollen/fuck or die/aliens made them do it
4. Dark!fic
5. Their first kiss
6. Meeting the parents
7. Moving in together
8. A crossover of my choice
9. An AU of my choice
10. If you like, another trope/scenario of your choice

Comments

[siegeofangels]

Mairelon and Renee, fake dating?

[muccamukk]

Les Mis, Éponine/Cosette. 10: Space AU.

[melannen]

....but that's canon isn't it? Or did I get canon confused with "Things that are definitely true" instead? :P

(no, okay it's been awhile since I re-read the first book, but didn't he use "I was protecting Renee's reputation" as a cover for the much sketchier stuff they were doing late at night together? I'm p. sure that until he got with Kim, most of London had been deliberately convinced they were having a not-all-that-secret affair. I didn't just build all that up in my head did I?)

Anyway I'm pretty sure that Renee is really not attracted to dudes at all. She got pretty good at faking it when necessary but of course Mairelon, being Mairelon, picked up on it the first time he met her. And it seemed like a 100% perfect excuse to get various relatives off his back, so he offered to spend her first "Season" as her v. v. eligible suitor. After her Coming Out Ball, when she was acceptably established as a wizard and could get away with slightly more socially, he did something AMAZINGY caddish and she broke up with him in the most dramatic and messy way possible because they both thought that would be amusing. And then he had an excuse to go overseas 'in disgrace' for awhile and she had an excuse to be too 'devastated' to have to entertain any more suitors for at least a year.

Since then they've had an on-again-off-again fake affair as one or both of them needed a convenient alibi/beard. Being a wizard makes Renee's reputation just elastic enough that she can get away with a 'secret' affair as long as he's of the correct class and she doesn't flaunt it, so it's perfect for both of them.

Renee's never felt the least temptation to make it a real thing, even though she's occasionally gotten hints that Mairelon would be up for it if she would, they were very gentle hints and not at all awkward to ignore, and he never made it weird. And she does love him but not quite enough to make up for the 'not attracted to men' thing. Now that Mairelon's married to Kim, though, their old arrangement is going to have to change, because neither one of them is going to risk hurting Kim.... Renee's considering sending out hints of her own, though, if Kim and Mairelon were up for it she thinks she could do that.... especially if Kim ever needed to play up the "my husband is going back to his old mistress!" thing in order to get information out of someone....

[miss_morland]

Valjean/Javert, 8?

[tazlet]

Oh, heck! I can't resist sex pollen Sherlock Holmes and John Watson - ACD or Granada - and Spring! Bonus points for Spring! It must be Spring! And buttercups.

[siegeofangels]

Ahhh this is so great! <3

[melannen]

Space AU is hard because I want them all. I want ALL the space AUs. And all the Eponine/Cosette.

OK here:

Cosette lives in an asteroid with her Papa. The whole asteroid is theirs. She remembers, vaguely, when they first came there, that they were just living in one little dark cave with a rickety atmosphere plant, but every year they do something to make it better, and now she has gardens, and a domed balcony where she can see the sun, and a library, and oh! so much. They're mostly self-sufficient but every so often her papa has to take their little rock-hopper and go get the supplies they can't make themselves from Mars, and she's by herself for weeks.

But one day! While her Papa is gone! Another rockhopper crash-lands on her asteroid. And there's another girl in it. Cosette remembers that there used to be other girls but it's been so long since she's seen anyone but her Papa. The girl is hurt but Cosette brings her inside and nurses her back to health. She says her name is Eponine and she keeps looking at Cosette like she recognizes her, but she won't say anything about where she came from.

That's okay though, Papa won't say anything about where they came from either, and Cosette really likes having a friend, and she doesn't seem to be in a hurry to leave. But then Papa never comes back?? And it's been longer than it ever was before, so she asks Eponine if they can fix her rock-hopper and go find him, and Eponine is like, look, you don't want to go out there, it's not safe?? And Cosette is like what do you mean??? and Eponine is like, I thought you were keeping me away from the radios on purpose so I wouldn't tell anyone about you but do you actually not know anything about anything? and Cosette is like radios? what do you mean, radios?

and Eponine is like?? Do you not know that there's a civil war going on out there? And that you're the spitting image of Prince Tholomyes, only with hair? I figured you were his daughter he was hiding away to keep safe?

and Cosette is like? ? daughter? I never had a dad, my Papa saved me when my mother died of space-dust-lung in that mining colony?? but actually ! It turns out Cosette IS a Secret Space Princess! And they go and save the asteroid belt from the forces of tyranny with the help of Eponine's little brother and his friends! And rescue her Papa along the way!

and like at some point someone tries make Cosette marry the grandson of her Dad's advisor Lord Gillenormand and she's like, look, you're pretty and all, but I'm in love with Eponine, and Eponine is like, I can't believe I used to have a poster of that nerd hanging above my bunk, and Cosette goes, oh come on he's not so bad, and then kisses her and says, but I like you better.

OR something like that anyway???

[muccamukk]

OMG! That's amazing. Space princess! No radios. I love the part where 'Ponine thought she was holding her captive. Please actually write this :D :D :D

[melannen]

Javert is absolutely 100% convinced that the gardener at Beauxbatons is using magic, even though he had his wand ceremonially broken thirty years ago over that incident in the kitchens, and never even finished school.

"How else," he asked the Headmistress, "could he have saved those kids from the angry cave troll?"

"Um, he hit it. Very hard. With a hoe," the Headmistress answered. "It's all right here in the report?"

Javert gritted his teeth and stalked out. She was protecting him, he knew it. The man was flouting wizarding law! Right here, in the very heart of French Wizardry! And they were all just looking the other way! How dare they all disrespect the authority of the law! Well, his job was to protect the wizarding community from unauthorized magic users, and he was going to bring that man to justice if it was the last thing he did!

"Of course," the gardener said, "You can watch me work for awhile if you'd like and there's nothing more important that needs doing."

Javert grimaced. He was sure he'd been hidden perfectly well by that shrubbery. Was the man also using detection charms???

...the gardener at Beauxbatons did a lot of gardening. He spent two days watching him dig in the dirt and pull leaves off of plants and other... garden-y things. As far as Javert can tell he's doing it all with just his muscles. His ... muscles. Watching him work gives Javert funny feelings. Un-auror-like feelings. He needs to stop. But not until he has his evidence.

Finally gardener goes over to the plot by the Herbology greenhouses! And he puts on a pair of earmuffs and goes to pull some mandrakes.

"Ahah!" Javert says, pouncing on him, and then it's all a bit of a blur as the Gardener puts him in a headlock and rolls them both twenty feet across the garden. He just barely hears the tail end of a scream past the way both his ears are pressed into warm muscle.

"That was a close one," the gardener says. "Be more careful when I'm in the magical plants plot!"

Javert tries to ignore the way his heart is fluttering from the close call. Maybe the man saved his life but he's also breaking the law. "You're using magic!" he points a finger. "I knew it! You can't raise magical plants without using magic!"

The gardener shakes his head. "You don't have to cast spells to grow mandrake," he say gently. "You just have to show them a little care and concern. Do you want me to show you how?"

...and so on and so forth etc.

[neotoma]

Newtmann, Pacific Rim, an AU of your choice?

[melannen]

...but isn't that canon? Oh no wait, that was hallucinogenic plant extracts not sex pollen. My bad.

"I deduce, Watson," Holmes said to me, "That you have been walking in the high meadows, and off the usual trails."

This was not so spectacular a deduction, as we had been spending a few days at an inn, in a lovely part of Scotland, in connexion with a case, and it was a beautiful sunny morning in the Spring; but I was in a pleasant enough mood, and said "And what has led to this deduction?"

He reached up and ran his fingers along my sleeve, and then rubbed them against each other, showing the coat of yellow powder they had acquired. "Pollen," he said. "You are entirely covered in it, my dear."

I laughed. "It is only ordinary buttercups," I said. "There was a lovely meadow, all full of them. I think you would like to see it."

He considered this. "I don't believe they were only ordinary buttercups," he said. "In fact, they may very well be the missing piece that I have come here to search for."

I laughed again: it was a day for laughing. "Surely you cannot tell that, just from a bit of pollen," I told him.

"You would be surprised what information can be deduced from just a bit of pollen," he said. "But you are, in this case, correct: I base my supposition more on the fact that in the ordinary course of events, you would not have come into the inn's common room and directly sat on my lap, with your arms around my neck."

I considered this. "Why wouldn't I?"

He cocked his head at me. "I suppose it appears to you perfectly natural?"

I ran my fingers along his lips. "Of course it does! Why should it not?"

He smiled at me, and his eyes crinkled. I was caught, as always, by the striking subtlety of their color. "I cannot imagine why not," he said. "Even so. If you could see yourself to releasing me for only a moment, so that I can gather some needful supplies, I would be delighted to inspect this meadow of yours."

I did so gladly enough, as difficult as it was to release him, and he ducked into the kitchen, muttering to himself, returning a few minutes later with a few items, courtesy of our friendly hostess. I wrapped my hands around his waist and peered over his shoulder. "The jars, flannels, and the waxed paper, I understand, if you plan to collect samples," I said. "But why the cushions and the olive oil?"

"They may, indeed, be unnecessary," he told me, with one of his more inscrutable expressions: "But I suspect otherwise, and that you will come to thank me for my foresight."

I did. Although not until quite late in the afternoon, after a sudden shower had washed all the pollen out of the air.

[zlabya]

I love this! It works well as a story in itself, and would make a lovely teen novelette--fun, romance, adventure, mystery, space princess and civil war and maybe they find Cosette's dad too, and hurrah! for heroines in love.

[lady_ganesh]

Ha!

[zlabya]

Adorable! Valjean/Javert + HPverse = love in more ways than one

[lady_ganesh]

Spike/Dru, 'meeting the parents,' however you'd like to interpret that one.

[zlabya]

::grins:: I must read more of your fanfic!

[tazlet]

Perfection! And now we know how Holmes was led to take up bee keeping - I should be checking the back pages of old periodicals, the ones with small discrete advertisements, for the products of a singular apiary.

Edited because: I realized people can't actually read my mind and the original came off like a demand for more.

[miss_morland]

and like at some point someone tries make Cosette marry the grandson of her Dad's advisor Lord Gillenormand and she's like, look, you're pretty and all, but I'm in love with Eponine, and Eponine is like, I can't believe I used to have a poster of that nerd hanging above my bunk, and Cosette goes, oh come on he's not so bad, and then kisses her and says, but I like you better.

That is the most adorable thing ever. <333 plz write the whole thing

[miss_morland]

Yessssss. :D *rolls around*

As far as Javert can tell he's doing it all with just his muscles. His ... muscles. Watching him work gives Javert funny feelings. Un-auror-like feelings. He needs to stop. But not until he has his evidence.

Such devotion to his duty. Very admirable indeed.

Javert tries to ignore the way his heart is fluttering from the close call.

I'm sure it was only the close call, Javert...

"You just have to show them a little care and concern. Do you want me to show you how?"

:DDDDD

[stellar_dust]

Cordelia/ Aral, meeting mrs. naismith?

[melannen]

I literally picked a random tag off the AO3's list of AU tags, and I got "Alternate Universe - Vikings", and I'm still reading Tolkien's ring cycle and kinda want to play with fornirðislag, so, uh, this would probably end up being some excerpts in translation of the Old Norse lay "Fimmtihoggrkviða" that deal with the oath-swearing of the smith Jormun Guðljúfr and the sorcerer Orka Geitahirðir - the poem tells the story of the warriors of Skaðardóma (which translates something like "the judgement's ending"?) and their battles with dragons and other great monsters that have begun emerging from a lair deep beneath the North Sea.

The best bits with Jormun and Orka are from near the end of the epic and come after a long sequence that describes how King Fimmtihoggr and Karl Hannsson (which seems to mean "Man, son of he" and is usually considered to be some kind of lost kenning or something) have just died fighting three great monsters that emerged from their lair. The last two great warriors of Skaðardóma, Rádýrlō Býkot and Mæki Konigsdottir, on advice from Jormun and King Hann Austmaðr (who is Karl's father and Fimmtihoggr's oath-brother), have decided to slay the last of the three monsters and then dive into the lair itself to destroy them all together.

However, in the forest, Orka has slain the "dragon's-daughter" and been bathed in her blood as she died; he is seeing visions of doom and destruction when Jormun finds him and together they cut out the dragon's heart, roast it, and eat it. After they've done this they can, of course, understand the language of the birds, and a flock of crows land around them and start to talk among themselves about how Rádýrlō and Mæki Konigsdottir are fools, because the lair of the mother of monsters is guarded by two great clashing rocks, and only her children may pass through them without being crushed to death.

After this Orka and Jormun run back to the hall of Skaðardóma and tell this to Rádýrlō and Mæki just as they are about to dive in; on hearing this, they take with them the body of the last of the three monsters, described as 'the little brother of Jormungandr,' towing him behind their great ship Hættafári, and plan to push it into the lair to open the way for them.

Then there's a long sequence about their dive into the sea with the monster's blood all around them, but as they get closer to the entrance to the lair, the sea-serpent's body begins to thrash about; it wasn't actually dead. They are forced to drop it onto the seafloor ahead of them, where its final death-throes collapse the entrance to the lair entirely, blocking it forever.

Then there's a victory feast etc. etc.

Anyway there's also a shorter poem Far Eið Ormrþǫx ('Of the oath of the snake-badger', 'Ormrþǫx', presumably related to Old English aþexe, newt, being sometimes used as a byname for Orka), that's set apparently right after Fimmtihoggrskviða, which starts with several birds telling Orka that his fate will be the same as that of the monsters he helped to slay, because the blood of the dragon's daughter has mixed with his blood, and therefore never will he rest nor be free of pain, and always will he be outcast from the halls of Men; but Jormun hears this as well and tell him that if that is to be his fate, Jormun will swear brotherhood with him and share it, for as they both ate of the heart of the dragon's-daughter they will have the same blood as well. And presumably this is where you get references to "Orka and Jormun" elsewhere in Norse poetry ...?

Anyway I was going to translate some of the original verses for you but. Uh. This is probably enough for a meme comment.

[carmarthen]

Ivan/Byerly, 5

Javert/Montparnasse, 1

[fay_e]

Marvel!Sigurd and Kid Loki, bodyswap?

[genarti]

Oh my god, I love this. So cute! So full of space hijinks! (And zlabya is totally right that you could file off the serial numbers and have an adorable teen novelette, or keep them and have an adorable fanfic.)

[genarti]

Oh my god YES. This is glorious, in every sense of the word.