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Meme via tumblr
Okay, I hardly ever meme, but I need something to re-awaken my fanfiction organs, I think, so here, ask me about the one that's going around tumblr right now. (Not posting to tumblr because trying to do this sort of thing in tumblr posts is terrible in all ways.)
scootiemcbooty:
...any ship, but depending on what ship you ask for, you may get what you deserve.
scootiemcbooty:
Put a ship inmy aska comment and I will tell you a bit about how each of the following scenarios would go down for them:
Okay, requests closed, sorry, I've wasted too much time on this already. :P
- Fake dating
- BodyswapÂ
- Sexpollen/fuck or die/aliens made them do it
- Dark!fic
- Secret kinks
- Their first kiss
- Meeting the parents
- Moving in together
- A crossover of my choice
- An au of my choice
- If you like, another trope/scenario of your choice
...any ship, but depending on what ship you ask for, you may get what you deserve.
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Fake dating
People start commenting somewhat pointedly that maybe Vetinari should marry and have children before he gets much older, so that there can be a neat transition of power. Vetinari's NOPE response to this in all possible ways is so strong that nobody can even tell that his politeness in response is pointed. To stop this he starts quietly adding fuel to the pre-existing rumors that he and Vimes are... like that, which nobody dares mention openly (especially anywhere that it could get back to Vimes) but it quietly becomes an established fact in certain circles anyway, which is enough to shut people up about the marriage and children thing, or at least to decide that Young Sam is close enough to the Patrician having an heir; Vetinari is more than willing to let that stand for as long as it serves the city.
Bodyswap
NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
It takes Drumknott longer than it should to recognize that it's not the Patrician saying that, but Vimes in his body. Then he sighs and sends a pigeon to the Vimes house, and shortly thereafter the Commander of the Watch appears to 'keep a personal eye' on the Patrician while they work on figuring out who has cast this dreadful spell on him.
Fortunately there's precedent for Vimes becoming clingy and possessive whenever the Patrician is even slightly ill; sure, there's a bit of restlessness in the city's upper echelon, but a meeting is called in the Rats Chamber, and 'Vimes' just sort of.. .lightly strokes the axe that's still embedded in the table, and the expression on his face is such a terrifying mix of worst bits of both the Commander and the Patrician that it's actually unusually quiet in the city until well after they fix things.
Once they manage to pry Vimes-in-Vetinari's body out of his catatonia of NOPE the two of them actually work together very well to keep the city running smoothly and fix the bodyswap, although Drumknott isn't entirely sure that all of those all-out sparring sessions to 'teach each other how their bodies move, just in case' were really necessary.
Sexpollen/fuck or die/aliens made them do it
...fuck or die is just a thing that happens sometimes in Ankh-Morpork. I mean, the wizards obviously can't perform the sex magic rituals that are needed to save the city, they're wizards; Vimes can't figure out if Vetinari is asking him to be his partner because he actually trusts him, because he thinks it's entertaining to watch Vimes try to wriggle out of it, or because he enjoys the irony of the last descendant of Old Stoneface taking part in a ritual originally designed for kings (and taking the King's part, although Vetinari has decided not to tell him that bit until he's agreed.) Vimes spends a great deal of time and energy trying to wriggle out of it anyway, and he almost figured out a way to do it (being Vimes) but Sybil told him she thought it was a lovely idea, and why was he trying to avoid it so hard, anyway? And Carrot pointed out, sort of in passing, that it would be almost more like having sex with the city than having sex with Vetinari, so... what with one thing and another, they did, and they saved the city, and Vimes is never speaking of it again, ever, no matter if Vetinari occasionally looks at him like that with his hands... being his hands and Sybil raises her eyebrows at them in that way she does.
Dark!fic
An AU where Vimes ends up ruling the city. There are a bunch of branch points in canon where you could set this up. Either Vetinari is dead and Vimes is handling it poorly, or Vetinari is pulling Vimes' strings from behind the scenes and they're both handling it poorly, or Vimes has overthrown/outmaneuvered Vetinari and is keeping him imprisoned in a dungeon he *doesn't* have the key to, one with no rats, and is handling it poorly.
Secret kinks
Vetinari's secret is that he is not actually competely immune to sex. Once you've gotten that far with him (which has happened maybe twice in his life) none of the rest of it is really a secret in comparison.
Vimes's secret kinks are secret from Vimes. Sybil has slowly either coaxed them out of him or deduced them without ever letting him know that they're anything the least bit unusual, for fear of spooking him; it's delicate enough luring him to bed in the first place, and though he's quite generous with doing the things *she* wants, he seems very invested in thinking of himself as 'normal' in his marriage bed. (honestly his kinks are mostly fairly tame, as these things go, and generally involve either trust and control or his fixation on the city, or both.) After she starts sharing him with the Patrician she invites him over for tea and they compare notes, although as she'd figured, Vetinari had already figured most of them out years ago. (After a few months with Vetinari, Vimes starts being a lot more adventurous with Sybil too, and Sybil smiles into her tea and congratulates herself on arranging things so neatly for all of them.)
Their first kiss
Vimes is blaming stress and exhaustion, okay? He never would have done that if he was in his right mind.
Meeting the parents
Young!Vetinari goes to investigate Vimes's family in the aftermath of the short-lived Republic. He is involuntarily charmed and utterly horrified, and makes himself return to Cockbill Street every so often to remind himself that there are people who think living like that is something to be proud of and aspire to. (He never tells Vimes about this.)
IIRC, Vimes met Vetinari's aunt during Night Watch, didn't he? It was a confusing and terrifying experience and he has made it a major life goal to never do that again.
Moving in together
After he resigns the Patricianship and turns it over to his chosen successor and ensures that the transition runs smoothly and so on, Vetinari quietly moves in with the Duke of Ankh and his family. Nobody comments on this (especially not the Duke of Ankh.) He takes to spending a lot of time in the dragon pens helping Sybil, although considering that his last couple of dogs were rumored to be part-swamp dragon anyway, nobody should have been that surprised. The new Patrician knows better than to come to the old one for help - it would destabilize his reign and Vetinari is not interested in involving himself anymore, anyway - but everyone knows Sybil Vimes knows everyone and can organize everything, so if one's wife occasionally mentions one's difficulties to her at a charity function one of them has organized, and this results in Sybil inviting one to the house for dinner to discuss how her family can be of assistance, well, that's certainly no reflection on oneself, even if one does spend most of the evening with one's face flat on Sybil's kitchen table bemoaning one's fate and threatening to run away to the Counterweight Continent.
(...sorry, that one didn't end up having much Vimes in it.)
A crossover of my choice
MORE OF THE LES MIS ONE, the end
An au of my choice
...well before Guards, Guards, Vimes quit drinking, quit the Watch, and started a small business selling Klatchian coffee with a motley collection of baristas. Vetinari doesn't indulge in coffee - any man who needs chemical assistance to be able to function has no business trying to run a city - but he notices the place, because somehow Vimes manages to know about everything that's going on in the city, and often to be in the middle of it (often claiming he's just selling coffee from his cart while actually single-handedly pacifying a crowd) but he refuses to work for the Patrician or let any of his people work for the Patrician in any capacity.
He'll happily chat with a regular customer over his morning cup of tea and pastry, though, and if the chat happens to involve a lot of things that the Patrician needs to know, well, it's just a chat with a customer-turning-friend.
Vetinari is somehow, slowly, like boiling a frog in water, transitioned from coming in and buying a small cup of tea in exchange for 'gossip', to having milky chai and several large fruit-filled pastries every morning and occasionally bringing paperwork by in the evenings and being fed soup and fresh bread (Vimes' Knurd Shop is the most secure place in the city, after what happened to the first few people who tried to start something there nobody else dares.)
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