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I woke up this morning *crying*.
I can count the number of times I've cried since elementary school on two hands. I trained myself out of crying early because I never seem to do it for the right reasons, never for actual pain - it's always because I'm exhausted, and frustrated at not being able to do what I want, which are perfectly good reasons to cry, but then people around me get all upset and think I'm in real distress, which just makes me feel worse because the last thing I want to do is feel like I'm manipulating people into doing what I want, so I only try to cry in private. And in private when I'm exhausted and frustrated I generally just go to sleep and wake up feeling better, so I hardly ever actually cry.
Also I occasionally have these dreams I wake up in tears from. It's always, for some reason, centered around sartorial panic. So I went to bed in a really bad mood last night and woke up in tears because I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding but nobody told me that, until I showed up at the ceremony in dirty jeans, so I'm trying to slip this dress I've never seen before over my T-shirt but I don't have time and I'm changing clothes *while I walk up the aisle* and I'm so upset that I've messed it all up that I start crying, and then I feel even worse because I've ruined the wedding and everyone's paying attention to me instead of the bride, but I can't walk out of the reception to cry in private because then she'd think I was blaming her, and then I woke up sobbing and finished the cry in private.
...Then I spent the morning and afternoon burning things and bashing other things open with hammers. It was cathartic. I feel much better now.
I can count the number of times I've cried since elementary school on two hands. I trained myself out of crying early because I never seem to do it for the right reasons, never for actual pain - it's always because I'm exhausted, and frustrated at not being able to do what I want, which are perfectly good reasons to cry, but then people around me get all upset and think I'm in real distress, which just makes me feel worse because the last thing I want to do is feel like I'm manipulating people into doing what I want, so I only try to cry in private. And in private when I'm exhausted and frustrated I generally just go to sleep and wake up feeling better, so I hardly ever actually cry.
Also I occasionally have these dreams I wake up in tears from. It's always, for some reason, centered around sartorial panic. So I went to bed in a really bad mood last night and woke up in tears because I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding but nobody told me that, until I showed up at the ceremony in dirty jeans, so I'm trying to slip this dress I've never seen before over my T-shirt but I don't have time and I'm changing clothes *while I walk up the aisle* and I'm so upset that I've messed it all up that I start crying, and then I feel even worse because I've ruined the wedding and everyone's paying attention to me instead of the bride, but I can't walk out of the reception to cry in private because then she'd think I was blaming her, and then I woke up sobbing and finished the cry in private.
...Then I spent the morning and afternoon burning things and bashing other things open with hammers. It was cathartic. I feel much better now.
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I hate those dreams. Getting dressed is the most stressful part of my day, and I dream vividly, so it stays with me for a long time.
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It's a vicious cycle, which is why I'll do anything to stop it happening. I should try just saying "GO AWAY. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" next time it happens.