(no subject)

[melannen]

I woke up this morning *crying*.

I can count the number of times I've cried since elementary school on two hands. I trained myself out of crying early because I never seem to do it for the right reasons, never for actual pain - it's always because I'm exhausted, and frustrated at not being able to do what I want, which are perfectly good reasons to cry, but then people around me get all upset and think I'm in real distress, which just makes me feel worse because the last thing I want to do is feel like I'm manipulating people into doing what I want, so I only try to cry in private. And in private when I'm exhausted and frustrated I generally just go to sleep and wake up feeling better, so I hardly ever actually cry.

Also I occasionally have these dreams I wake up in tears from. It's always, for some reason, centered around sartorial panic. So I went to bed in a really bad mood last night and woke up in tears because I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding but nobody told me that, until I showed up at the ceremony in dirty jeans, so I'm trying to slip this dress I've never seen before over my T-shirt but I don't have time and I'm changing clothes *while I walk up the aisle* and I'm so upset that I've messed it all up that I start crying, and then I feel even worse because I've ruined the wedding and everyone's paying attention to me instead of the bride, but I can't walk out of the reception to cry in private because then she'd think I was blaming her, and then I woke up sobbing and finished the cry in private.

...Then I spent the morning and afternoon burning things and bashing other things open with hammers. It was cathartic. I feel much better now.

Comments

[missdaisy [journalfen.net]]

You cry like me. Sad I can take. Tired and annoyed ~ I'm fighting back the tears. I've never really understood that. Maybe I should just bash more things open with hammers.

[melannen [journalfen.net]]

Yeah, I don't know. I cry for no good reason, and then when I'm actually *supposed* to be crying, nothing. Finding another way to let it out does help, sometimes. I'm glad I'm not alone though!

[ealusaid [journalfen.net]]

I cry like that too. Everyone who knows me backs the hell off when I'm hurt or crying, because I can't take the added stress of having to decide how to deal with this anxious person who will be hurt if I say, "Stay the fuck away from me!" and then come back two minutes later asking for a bandage.

I hate those dreams. Getting dressed is the most stressful part of my day, and I dream vividly, so it stays with me for a long time.

[melannen [journalfen.net]]

Yeah, see, me, I won't lash out. I'll just sit there weeping and saying, "No, I'm not really upset! It was nothing! I'm sorry for making a spectacle of myself! Please, just go back to what you were doing! Nothing is wrong!" And nobody believes me and meantime I'm crying even harder because talking makes it worse, and because they're upset even while they think I'm overreacting.

It's a vicious cycle, which is why I'll do anything to stop it happening. I should try just saying "GO AWAY. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" next time it happens.

[stellar_dust [journalfen.net]]

Ugh, I think you were contaminated by my dream last night where the bachelorette party was starting but I hadn't had time to go buy alcohol, so I said hey, you guys start the video and I'll just pop out for a second, except the first store was empty and boarded up, and the second store was closed, and the third store was an hour away and *incredibly* dirty and sketchy and falling down with a really terrible selection, and by then it was like midnight and I hadn't been to the party at all which, by the way, sucked? (Shut up, it was a really stressful dream!)

[melannen [journalfen.net]]

Yeah, I blame the wedding stuff on you. :D (I blame the nightmare stuff on the internets.)

i need to upload some different icons to this account.

[kyabetsu [journalfen.net]]

AND i need to check it more often.

...Friday night you went to bed in a bad mood?... We went hula hoop shopping, then got you home early, right? *has a hard time remembering* What happened after our futile attempts at hula? Did it get settled?

...Wait that was THURSDAY night. Friday you came back home with me and we did studying and online stuff. So this was the online thing... that argument thingie?

...and what did you burn? i know the walnuts were the smashy. what was the burny?

Re: i need to upload some different icons to this account.

[melannen [journalfen.net]]

Yes, it was the online thingy. It's still going, too. Sarah stop me from sitting here and reading all the links and getting upset again and posting stuff I'll regret later!

I burned lunch. :D I even managed to set off the smoke detector that hadn't gone off in ten years and we thought was completely broken.

Re: i need to upload some different icons to this account.

[kyabetsu [journalfen.net]]

that sounds like you should come over to K's tonight. you've got WORLD-BUILDING to do, darn it! Leave the internet peoples alone!

;)

Re: i need to upload some different icons to this account.

[melannen [journalfen.net]]

But I need all my books for worldbuilding!

Luckily, my internet connection has decided to go spastic, so I am prevented from obsessing. :D