![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Things That Are Currently Annoying Me About Fic With Ace Characters
So I got brainweasels about that last post immediately after posting it, yay. All your comments are lovely! But that + RL stress = I may be letting them sit without replies for a bit while I fight off small angry mustelids. :/ Sorry.
But we shall push on regardless! Cranky post is definitely a good thing to push on with in this state of mind, right.
So, I have been sort of following the saga of "fandom discovers asexuality is a thing, yay; fandom writes ace fic, almost none of which I actually like, boo" for years and years and years, basically since fandom discovered asexuality.
Every so often I go "asexuality is so much more visible and well understood now! I will go check the AO3 tag and read the good fic that people are definitely writing" and. Nope. I still end up backbuttoning out of my first three tries. Or just looking at the summary and going 'nope'. And then I go back to only reading ace fic by a very small list of writers who I trust to do it reasonably well.
The interesting thing is that the source of Nope keeps changing. Back in the day, it was usually "What you want there is not an ace character, what you want is non-reciprocity kink. Which I also enjoy! But not when you slather 'pat my back for writing ace fic' all over your non-reciprocity kink."
We've gone through several other trends in nope since then, though. The current one actually took me awhile to figure out why it was giving me the nopes, even though it was pretty simple once I thought about it.
Here's the thing: I keep reading stories with variations on this conversation:
Now, those may be perfectly realistic conversations to have happen (I too have used the "No sorry I'm ace, stop asking" line a few times) because that kind of thing is super-awkward and people don't always say the right thing even if they're trying (sometimes especially) but the thing is, these conversations are never written as "super-awkward, bad situation", they are written as "isn't this person so sensitive and understanding and trustworthy, won't they make a great SO for an ace person" and they are part of stories that are attempting to be pure sugar syrup. And. So much no.
For the record, if I turn you down by mentioning my asexuality, that does not mean "I trust you so much with my deepest darkest secret, I know you can help me figure out how to be happy anyway," it means "this is a really uncomfortable situation and I 100% don't trust you to take a plain no for an answer, so I'm going to make it weird and hope you drop the subject."
For the record, this is how this conversation should go with someone sensitive and trustworthy and cinnamon roll:
You see how Bailey just respects Ash's "No sex" without needing an excuse for why? Do you see how at no point does anyone imply that the only reason to turn down sex is sexual orientation? Nor does anyone imply that all non-ace romantic relationships must include sex immediately? Nor that no allosexual ever gets turned off by a crappy personality, only demi people care about that? Do you see how sexual orientation never actually comes up, because "I don't want to have sex with you" is a statement that can be said by people of many sexual orientations for many reasons, and none of them are obligated to explain why? Imagine!
I recently finished reading a book series where the main character is more-or-less ace. I say more-or-less because she lives in a society where sexual orientation isn't a culturally important thing, it's just whether a particular person is attracted to another particular person, and everyone (at least, everyone who is supposed to be a good person) takes no for an answer and drops it.
And after awhile, everyone just accepts that this character's answer will always be no, and that's ok. And eventually she does get to the point in some relationships where she explains in more detail what her personal relationship with sexuality is, and that's also ok! But it happens quite a long time after it has already been established that she will not be having sex with them, and that they did not need or expect an explanation for why.
That, for the record, is how you should do that when you are trying to write fluffy cinnamon rolls.
Especially since, you know, if you are 100% understanding and trustworthy, it's possible an ace person might be willing to try sex with you! And it will go really well and you will both enjoy yourselves! There are no guarantees, but then, when are there ever guarantees. And it is far less likely if we have already established that you expect sex from anyone who does not have immutable, blunt sexual orientation as an excuse.
Sometimes I actually read a story where the author does that part right, and I don't backbutton for long enough that I get to where non-repulsed-ace-character and Cinnamon Roll do decide to try sex.
At that point, there's at least a 50% chance that I will read a setup for a sex scene that goes, "Because I'm ace, I haven't tried--" or "Even though I'm ace, I like--" or "So I know you're ace, but can we--?"
And, again, I get what the author is trying to do there, and I applaud them for it, but imagine reading a sex scene that was all, "Even though I'm bi, I don't always have threesomes" or "I'm gay, so of course I like blowjobs," or "So I know you're lesbian, but can we see if you like penetration anyway?" or "Hey so I know I said I'm straight but can we try something other than the missionary position?" Over and over again. And in perfect fluffulous sincerity, no arch eyebrow raises about ridiculous assumptions or character having a poorly timed sexual crisis.
That would grate on the nerves, right? I feel like that would grate. It also grates when the character is ace. Presumably if they got this far and they're this good at communicating, Cinnamon Roll already knows that some ace people enjoy some sex acts. It's fine.
Writing sex scenes where characters communicate well about what they like and what they have done before and where they are happy to try new things is wonderful. You don't need to precede every statement of preference with a reaffirmation of sexual orientation. Really. It's fine. Stop. If you feel so awkward about writing an ace-spectrum character having sex that you have to repeat it over and over, you could try writing a story where your ace character doesn't fall in love or have sex. I promise I am not sick of reading those yet.It's not like fandom has figured out how to do those yet either.
But we shall push on regardless! Cranky post is definitely a good thing to push on with in this state of mind, right.
So, I have been sort of following the saga of "fandom discovers asexuality is a thing, yay; fandom writes ace fic, almost none of which I actually like, boo" for years and years and years, basically since fandom discovered asexuality.
Every so often I go "asexuality is so much more visible and well understood now! I will go check the AO3 tag and read the good fic that people are definitely writing" and. Nope. I still end up backbuttoning out of my first three tries. Or just looking at the summary and going 'nope'. And then I go back to only reading ace fic by a very small list of writers who I trust to do it reasonably well.
The interesting thing is that the source of Nope keeps changing. Back in the day, it was usually "What you want there is not an ace character, what you want is non-reciprocity kink. Which I also enjoy! But not when you slather 'pat my back for writing ace fic' all over your non-reciprocity kink."
We've gone through several other trends in nope since then, though. The current one actually took me awhile to figure out why it was giving me the nopes, even though it was pretty simple once I thought about it.
Here's the thing: I keep reading stories with variations on this conversation:
Bailey: Hey, wanna have sex?Or like this:
Ash: Nope, sorry, you're great but I'm ace.
Bailey: Aww, well, if you're ace, we can just be cuddlebuddies.
Bailey: Hey, wanna go out?Or like this:
Ash: Not a no, but you should know that if we do, I won't be having sex with you.
Bailey: That's OK, I already knew you were ace, we can work around that.
Bailey: Hey, wanna have sex?
Ash: I acknowledge you are objectively attractive, but I'm demi, so your crappy personality means that will never happen. Bye.
Bailey: I guess it's time to improve the personality.
Now, those may be perfectly realistic conversations to have happen (I too have used the "No sorry I'm ace, stop asking" line a few times) because that kind of thing is super-awkward and people don't always say the right thing even if they're trying (sometimes especially) but the thing is, these conversations are never written as "super-awkward, bad situation", they are written as "isn't this person so sensitive and understanding and trustworthy, won't they make a great SO for an ace person" and they are part of stories that are attempting to be pure sugar syrup. And. So much no.
For the record, if I turn you down by mentioning my asexuality, that does not mean "I trust you so much with my deepest darkest secret, I know you can help me figure out how to be happy anyway," it means "this is a really uncomfortable situation and I 100% don't trust you to take a plain no for an answer, so I'm going to make it weird and hope you drop the subject."
For the record, this is how this conversation should go with someone sensitive and trustworthy and cinnamon roll:
Ash: I don't want to have sex with you.
Bailey: OK! Then we won't have sex. Do you want to do something else with me? I made cake.
You see how Bailey just respects Ash's "No sex" without needing an excuse for why? Do you see how at no point does anyone imply that the only reason to turn down sex is sexual orientation? Nor does anyone imply that all non-ace romantic relationships must include sex immediately? Nor that no allosexual ever gets turned off by a crappy personality, only demi people care about that? Do you see how sexual orientation never actually comes up, because "I don't want to have sex with you" is a statement that can be said by people of many sexual orientations for many reasons, and none of them are obligated to explain why? Imagine!
I recently finished reading a book series where the main character is more-or-less ace. I say more-or-less because she lives in a society where sexual orientation isn't a culturally important thing, it's just whether a particular person is attracted to another particular person, and everyone (at least, everyone who is supposed to be a good person) takes no for an answer and drops it.
And after awhile, everyone just accepts that this character's answer will always be no, and that's ok. And eventually she does get to the point in some relationships where she explains in more detail what her personal relationship with sexuality is, and that's also ok! But it happens quite a long time after it has already been established that she will not be having sex with them, and that they did not need or expect an explanation for why.
That, for the record, is how you should do that when you are trying to write fluffy cinnamon rolls.
Especially since, you know, if you are 100% understanding and trustworthy, it's possible an ace person might be willing to try sex with you! And it will go really well and you will both enjoy yourselves! There are no guarantees, but then, when are there ever guarantees. And it is far less likely if we have already established that you expect sex from anyone who does not have immutable, blunt sexual orientation as an excuse.
Sometimes I actually read a story where the author does that part right, and I don't backbutton for long enough that I get to where non-repulsed-ace-character and Cinnamon Roll do decide to try sex.
At that point, there's at least a 50% chance that I will read a setup for a sex scene that goes, "Because I'm ace, I haven't tried--" or "Even though I'm ace, I like--" or "So I know you're ace, but can we--?"
And, again, I get what the author is trying to do there, and I applaud them for it, but imagine reading a sex scene that was all, "Even though I'm bi, I don't always have threesomes" or "I'm gay, so of course I like blowjobs," or "So I know you're lesbian, but can we see if you like penetration anyway?" or "Hey so I know I said I'm straight but can we try something other than the missionary position?" Over and over again. And in perfect fluffulous sincerity, no arch eyebrow raises about ridiculous assumptions or character having a poorly timed sexual crisis.
That would grate on the nerves, right? I feel like that would grate. It also grates when the character is ace. Presumably if they got this far and they're this good at communicating, Cinnamon Roll already knows that some ace people enjoy some sex acts. It's fine.
Writing sex scenes where characters communicate well about what they like and what they have done before and where they are happy to try new things is wonderful. You don't need to precede every statement of preference with a reaffirmation of sexual orientation. Really. It's fine. Stop. If you feel so awkward about writing an ace-spectrum character having sex that you have to repeat it over and over, you could try writing a story where your ace character doesn't fall in love or have sex. I promise I am not sick of reading those yet.