Vacation Bible School Rant

[melannen]

If you were a kid, and had been left alone at your church to clean up (no mention of where the adults are; they're probably out drinking or something) and you come across a weird remote-control-thingie that lights up and opens a mysterious swirly portal to who-knows-where, would this affirm your faith?
And after you were sucked through the portal, would the first thing you said be "I think I have been zoomed into some sort of zone!"

This year's mail-order VBS theme is Zoom Zone: Jesus is Forever. No, I have no idea what it means either. The pastor did not understand why I found the intro video (summarized above) so hysterical.

There are five days and five lessons, each with a moral.
Day 1: Young Christ at the temple
Moral: If your parents take you on a trip, run off on your own, and when they finally find you, smart-mouth them.
Day 2: Blessing of the Children
Moral: If the grown-ups say they're too busy, whine until they give in, because kids are more important.
Day 3: Pentecost
Moral: Being drunk is like being filled with the Holy Spirit
Day 4: Mary and Martha
Moral: Don't bother to help out with the chores; sitting around all day is just as useful.
Day 5: Zaccheus
Moral: Go ahead and cheat and lie and steal; as long as you're cute and know how to play the crowd, you're forgiven.

Well, at least they aren't having us teach the story of Rehab the Prostitute like last year. Supposedly the focus is on the unchangingness of Jesus. I suppose; it reminds me that Christians have *always* kissed babies, and embezzled money, and talked about goodness rather than living it, and showed off their self-righteousness, and used dodgy evangelistic practices. It's not just since Bush was elected.

So I need to prepare a lesson on young Jesus for tomorrow. I suppose I really shouldn't read them that passage from the Infancy Gospel where Baby Jesus the Spoiled Brat strikes the neighbor kid dead for bumping into him in the street? I pushed it enough last year when my class ended up discussing the private life of Alexander the Great--

On the other hand, Pringles cans are needed for one of the crafts, so I now have a mandate to eat vast amounts of Cheese Pringles, so it's not *all* bad.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Er, Rehab the Prostitute? I do hope that was a typo, and not a VBS thing.

--c

[melannen.livejournal.com]

Rahab, Rechab, Rachab, hebrew doesn't specify vowels. But no, the variant spelling they used was, in fact, Rehab, if I recall correctly.

[notapipe.livejournal.com]

can't...stop...laughing

I need Jesus to come down and smite my laughter, or you know, whatever Zoom!Jesus does. zoom my laughter?

Now I must away to get filled with the Holy Spirits. Spirit.

[zodiaccat.livejournal.com]

Moral: Go ahead and cheat and lie and steal; as long as you're cute and know how to play the crowd, you're forgiven.

Hasn't that been the entire Christian motto so far?