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rally all the pollyannas
In the department of "stories I am not writing right now, no really, but I wish someone would":
Major Klaus von dem Eberbach of NATO and his pet art thief/consultant/not-actually-my-boyfriend Eroica are set on a case that involves. Hmmm. I think some modern artist from [pick a country] is discovered to have been encoding highly dangerous security secrets in the brushstrokes of his paintings in order to get them out of the country. The paintings are in several high-profile museums and collections, and Klaus and Eroica have to get the paintings out of public view without alerting anyone (including the owners) to the fact that NATO is involved, in case somebody else twigs the secret.
Eroica points out that to do the job right, they need to replace the paintings with forgeries (that don't include the encoded information.) Klaus says "can't you do it?" and Eroica replies, "You flatter me, darling, but I'm out of practice. And I was never quite that good. Or that fast."
"If you can't--"
"Patience, my darling. I know several people who could do the job. As for people who could do the job and would be willing to do it for NATO, and NATO would be willing to hire--" He looks up at Klaus through his eyelashes. "We're going to have to go to New York."
So they turn up at Peter Burke's office, and Neal Caffrey's eyes go all heart shaped as he hides behind Peter and says "Oh my god, that's Eroica. Peter, that's Eroica, I wanted to be him when I was ten," and Klaus and Peter roll their eyes at each other and Eroica flutters and says, "Dear boy, you're making me feel old," and Neal gives him a bouquet of origami roses and they wander off together to June's to play dress-up while Eroica spreads scurrilous stories about June's husband. Klaus and Peter outline a joint operation and commiserate about how you should never agree to work with a consultant, especially if flirting is involved.
And eventually they settle down to actually planning the operation, and Neal says, "Sure, I can do the forgeries, but who else do you have for the actual thefts? Eroica can't be in four countries at once, I can handle MoMA but I can't leave New York, and no offense, but you're going to need absolute top-notch pros for a lot of these places."
And Eroica says, "I can handle it if I have to. I may not be young anymore, dear, but I'm not incompetent," and Neal says, "But you shouldn't have to. And you know who's gone - well, not straight, but as close to straight as she's capable of?" Eroica raises a well-manicured eyebrow. "Amanda. She's shacked up with a cop in Paris and claims she won't do any jobs unless he gives her permission. Kate and I tried to bring her in on something a few years ago, and she said she'd love to but she'd promised to be good."
"Dear Amanda? I haven't heard anything from her in years; I assumed she'd died."
"Amanda would never do anything so crass as die."
Eroica laughs, "You do know her well."
Peter says slowly, "Amanda Darrieux? She had FBI consultant's clearance. Matthew McCormick out of DC signed off on her years ago. But she must be in her 80s by now--"
"Amanda would never do anything so crass as age, either. She's gone inactive but she's still hooked in to the grapevine. She visited me in prison once," Neal adds, with a dreamy look on his face until Peter cuffs him upside the head.
So they fly back to Paris to visit Sanctuary, and Amanda and Eroica kiss like the long-separated friends they are, and then Amanda drags them back to the office leaving Nick to tend bar, and says, "You've been to see Neal? Isn't he adorable? The collar idea was a stroke of genius."
"Not terribly subtle," Eroica pouts, and Amanda rolls her eyes. "Just because some of us aren't willing to wait decades, Dorian, dear--"
And Klaus clears his throat and lays out their timetables, and Amanda frowns and says, "I'd be glad to help, but I can't do here, or here--" she points out several locations, "--don't ask why, I've made too many old friends and enemies. There's an old student of mine, though--"
At this point Klaus has caught on and groans and thumps his head on the desk.
"--name of Parker, you heard of her?"
"Parker's gone legit?" Eroica asks. "I've only heard stories about her, but she's the last person I thought would settle down."
"That's what people thought about you, too, Dorian," Amanda says, "and look where you are now. Anyway, Parker's not exactly legit, she joined a gang calling themselves the Leverage Group."
"Nate Ford's crew?"
"They claim they do the jobs the law can't handle. Eliot Spencer's on the team, too; I believe he's done some work for NATO in the past, Major Eberbach?"
Klaus growls, "I've worked with Spencer, yes. I hope you don't consider that a recommendation."
"Klaus! Were you cheating on me?"
Amanda digs out a Leverage business card and gives it to Klaus; they agree to meet at Neal's place to make final arrangements, since he can't travel and the Leverage crew generally does business in person.
After some maneuvering and grumbling (and judicious throwing around of Eroica and Amanda's names) they get Parker (with Eliot and Hardison following along, of course) to agree to the meeting, and everyone winds up at June's place, going over the plans again.
"But why do you want to steal these paintings?" Parker asks. "There's much more valuable stuff in the collections, and these aren't even pretty."
"It isn't the paintings we need," Eroica explains patiently. "It's information encoded in the brushstrokes."
"Oh! Well, then why bother stealing the whole paintings? Unless one of you actually likes them?" She looks around the room.
"I don't collect paintings," Amanda says. "Too difficult to store."
Eroica waves a hand. "Not my period."
And Neal says, "I agree with Parker, actually. They're vastly overrated. I'd say we should investigate the buyers, except I know the art world well enough that it probably is just bad taste."
"So we don't steal the paintings," Parker said. "That's too much extra effort. If all you need is the brushstrokes, we'll just steal those."
They look at each other, then back at Parker. "I wasn't aware that was a possibility," Eroica says carefully.
Parker shrugs. "We've stolen everything from a movie to a miracle. I stole the Hope Diamond once just for fun. But I know someone who stole just the shine off the Hope Diamond. She stole George Washington off the $1 bill and the smile off the Mona Lisa. Stealing some brushstrokes from a bunch of third-rate abstracts should be child's play."
Hardison stares at her. "You're talking about Sandiego."
Parker nods happily.
"Carmen Sandiego?" Peter says. "But she's not real. She's a myth."
"Oh, she's real," Neal says. "Entirely too real," Klaus adds.
"The problem," Amanda says, "Is finding her."
"Oh, that's easy," Parker says. "I have her cell phone number."
They all stare at her this time.
Parker shrugs. "She sent me fanmail. Said we should 'hook up' sometime."
"Do you think she'd actually agree to do it?" asks Eliot.
"What, hook up with Parker? Who wouldn't agree?"
There is a pause while all the even slightly female-oriented people in the room consider Parker and Carmen hooking up, and then Amanda says, "I've never heard of her doing a job for the greater good, though."
Parker shrugs. "She does it for the fun of it. And the notoriety. Let's face it, we are kind of a dream team. I bet she'd join up just so she's not left out. She'll want something out of it in exchange, though."
"I hope you don't think I'm going to work for you just because I like the tilt of Caffrey's fedora," Carmen says sometime later, as Neal blushes red and ducks his head. "I will want something out of it in exchange."
"What could you possibly need from us?" Eroica asks, feeling rather bitchy at being so effortlessly upstaged.
Carmen grins brilliantly at him. "The criminal life has gotten boring. I want to retire and quit spending my life in the shadows."
Hardison frowns. "Surely you've got the resources to set up an unimpeachable false ID. You were cracking top-echelon systems back when Apple IIs were new."
"I'm Carmen Sandiego," she told him. "False IDs are beneath me. If I can't still be Carmen Sandiego, what's the point of retiring? No, I want you to steal the law for me. I want you to make Carmen Sandiego legal."
"I stole a law once," Parker mutters.
"Well?" Carmen asks. "You've all made a start on it for yourselves."
"I'm not quite sure that's how I'd describe it," Eroica says, blatantly ignoring the possessive way Klaus is leaning over the back of his chair.
Carmen smirks at him. "Oh, we've been lovers for years, the law and I. I'm only asking you to help me make it official."
....and then they done crime, the end.
Major Klaus von dem Eberbach of NATO and his pet art thief/consultant/not-actually-my-boyfriend Eroica are set on a case that involves. Hmmm. I think some modern artist from [pick a country] is discovered to have been encoding highly dangerous security secrets in the brushstrokes of his paintings in order to get them out of the country. The paintings are in several high-profile museums and collections, and Klaus and Eroica have to get the paintings out of public view without alerting anyone (including the owners) to the fact that NATO is involved, in case somebody else twigs the secret.
Eroica points out that to do the job right, they need to replace the paintings with forgeries (that don't include the encoded information.) Klaus says "can't you do it?" and Eroica replies, "You flatter me, darling, but I'm out of practice. And I was never quite that good. Or that fast."
"If you can't--"
"Patience, my darling. I know several people who could do the job. As for people who could do the job and would be willing to do it for NATO, and NATO would be willing to hire--" He looks up at Klaus through his eyelashes. "We're going to have to go to New York."
So they turn up at Peter Burke's office, and Neal Caffrey's eyes go all heart shaped as he hides behind Peter and says "Oh my god, that's Eroica. Peter, that's Eroica, I wanted to be him when I was ten," and Klaus and Peter roll their eyes at each other and Eroica flutters and says, "Dear boy, you're making me feel old," and Neal gives him a bouquet of origami roses and they wander off together to June's to play dress-up while Eroica spreads scurrilous stories about June's husband. Klaus and Peter outline a joint operation and commiserate about how you should never agree to work with a consultant, especially if flirting is involved.
And eventually they settle down to actually planning the operation, and Neal says, "Sure, I can do the forgeries, but who else do you have for the actual thefts? Eroica can't be in four countries at once, I can handle MoMA but I can't leave New York, and no offense, but you're going to need absolute top-notch pros for a lot of these places."
And Eroica says, "I can handle it if I have to. I may not be young anymore, dear, but I'm not incompetent," and Neal says, "But you shouldn't have to. And you know who's gone - well, not straight, but as close to straight as she's capable of?" Eroica raises a well-manicured eyebrow. "Amanda. She's shacked up with a cop in Paris and claims she won't do any jobs unless he gives her permission. Kate and I tried to bring her in on something a few years ago, and she said she'd love to but she'd promised to be good."
"Dear Amanda? I haven't heard anything from her in years; I assumed she'd died."
"Amanda would never do anything so crass as die."
Eroica laughs, "You do know her well."
Peter says slowly, "Amanda Darrieux? She had FBI consultant's clearance. Matthew McCormick out of DC signed off on her years ago. But she must be in her 80s by now--"
"Amanda would never do anything so crass as age, either. She's gone inactive but she's still hooked in to the grapevine. She visited me in prison once," Neal adds, with a dreamy look on his face until Peter cuffs him upside the head.
So they fly back to Paris to visit Sanctuary, and Amanda and Eroica kiss like the long-separated friends they are, and then Amanda drags them back to the office leaving Nick to tend bar, and says, "You've been to see Neal? Isn't he adorable? The collar idea was a stroke of genius."
"Not terribly subtle," Eroica pouts, and Amanda rolls her eyes. "Just because some of us aren't willing to wait decades, Dorian, dear--"
And Klaus clears his throat and lays out their timetables, and Amanda frowns and says, "I'd be glad to help, but I can't do here, or here--" she points out several locations, "--don't ask why, I've made too many old friends and enemies. There's an old student of mine, though--"
At this point Klaus has caught on and groans and thumps his head on the desk.
"--name of Parker, you heard of her?"
"Parker's gone legit?" Eroica asks. "I've only heard stories about her, but she's the last person I thought would settle down."
"That's what people thought about you, too, Dorian," Amanda says, "and look where you are now. Anyway, Parker's not exactly legit, she joined a gang calling themselves the Leverage Group."
"Nate Ford's crew?"
"They claim they do the jobs the law can't handle. Eliot Spencer's on the team, too; I believe he's done some work for NATO in the past, Major Eberbach?"
Klaus growls, "I've worked with Spencer, yes. I hope you don't consider that a recommendation."
"Klaus! Were you cheating on me?"
Amanda digs out a Leverage business card and gives it to Klaus; they agree to meet at Neal's place to make final arrangements, since he can't travel and the Leverage crew generally does business in person.
After some maneuvering and grumbling (and judicious throwing around of Eroica and Amanda's names) they get Parker (with Eliot and Hardison following along, of course) to agree to the meeting, and everyone winds up at June's place, going over the plans again.
"But why do you want to steal these paintings?" Parker asks. "There's much more valuable stuff in the collections, and these aren't even pretty."
"It isn't the paintings we need," Eroica explains patiently. "It's information encoded in the brushstrokes."
"Oh! Well, then why bother stealing the whole paintings? Unless one of you actually likes them?" She looks around the room.
"I don't collect paintings," Amanda says. "Too difficult to store."
Eroica waves a hand. "Not my period."
And Neal says, "I agree with Parker, actually. They're vastly overrated. I'd say we should investigate the buyers, except I know the art world well enough that it probably is just bad taste."
"So we don't steal the paintings," Parker said. "That's too much extra effort. If all you need is the brushstrokes, we'll just steal those."
They look at each other, then back at Parker. "I wasn't aware that was a possibility," Eroica says carefully.
Parker shrugs. "We've stolen everything from a movie to a miracle. I stole the Hope Diamond once just for fun. But I know someone who stole just the shine off the Hope Diamond. She stole George Washington off the $1 bill and the smile off the Mona Lisa. Stealing some brushstrokes from a bunch of third-rate abstracts should be child's play."
Hardison stares at her. "You're talking about Sandiego."
Parker nods happily.
"Carmen Sandiego?" Peter says. "But she's not real. She's a myth."
"Oh, she's real," Neal says. "Entirely too real," Klaus adds.
"The problem," Amanda says, "Is finding her."
"Oh, that's easy," Parker says. "I have her cell phone number."
They all stare at her this time.
Parker shrugs. "She sent me fanmail. Said we should 'hook up' sometime."
"Do you think she'd actually agree to do it?" asks Eliot.
"What, hook up with Parker? Who wouldn't agree?"
There is a pause while all the even slightly female-oriented people in the room consider Parker and Carmen hooking up, and then Amanda says, "I've never heard of her doing a job for the greater good, though."
Parker shrugs. "She does it for the fun of it. And the notoriety. Let's face it, we are kind of a dream team. I bet she'd join up just so she's not left out. She'll want something out of it in exchange, though."
"I hope you don't think I'm going to work for you just because I like the tilt of Caffrey's fedora," Carmen says sometime later, as Neal blushes red and ducks his head. "I will want something out of it in exchange."
"What could you possibly need from us?" Eroica asks, feeling rather bitchy at being so effortlessly upstaged.
Carmen grins brilliantly at him. "The criminal life has gotten boring. I want to retire and quit spending my life in the shadows."
Hardison frowns. "Surely you've got the resources to set up an unimpeachable false ID. You were cracking top-echelon systems back when Apple IIs were new."
"I'm Carmen Sandiego," she told him. "False IDs are beneath me. If I can't still be Carmen Sandiego, what's the point of retiring? No, I want you to steal the law for me. I want you to make Carmen Sandiego legal."
"I stole a law once," Parker mutters.
"Well?" Carmen asks. "You've all made a start on it for yourselves."
"I'm not quite sure that's how I'd describe it," Eroica says, blatantly ignoring the possessive way Klaus is leaning over the back of his chair.
Carmen smirks at him. "Oh, we've been lovers for years, the law and I. I'm only asking you to help me make it official."
....and then they done crime, the end.