Meme via tumblr

[melannen]

Okay, I hardly ever meme, but I need something to re-awaken my fanfiction organs, I think, so here, ask me about the one that's going around tumblr right now. (Not posting to tumblr because trying to do this sort of thing in tumblr posts is terrible in all ways.)
scootiemcbooty:

Put a ship in my ask a comment and I will tell you a bit about how each of the following scenarios would go down for them:

Okay, requests closed, sorry, I've wasted too much time on this already. :P

• Fake dating


• Bodyswap 


• Sexpollen/fuck or die/aliens made them do it


• Dark!fic


• Secret kinks


• Their first kiss


• Meeting the parents


• Moving in together


• A crossover of my choice


• An au of my choice


• If you like, another trope/scenario of your choice

...any ship, but depending on what ship you ask for, you may get what you deserve.

Comments

[melannen]

Okay, going to try not to duplicate other miseres' even if yours are better. :P

Fake dating
The one where Fauchelevent meets Javert at the tobacco shop and they start talking with each other regularly in an effort to squeeze information out of each other and Fauchelevent is constantly catching himself just in time to call Madeleine "the man I live with" instead of anything more specific that might give it away (he can't even say 'brother' because Javert might remember from back in M-sur-M that he has no living relatives, can't be too careful, Javert's a sharp one), so Javert understandably assumes he's hiding a gay relationship instead of an escaped convict-mayor, and once Fauchelevent realizes that Javert thinks this, he decides that using Javert to spill some of his hidden ~feelings~ about Madeleine is a safe way to divert his suspicion even further, so Javert has to put up with constant, non-specific gushing about his perfect hair and his perfect voice and his perfect body and how they cuddled for warmth last night and the-man-he-lives-with gave Fauchelevent the most amazing back massage that really helped his aches and so on.

...when he meets them again post-Seine and realizes that it was Valjean all along, Javert attempts to headdesk himself to death.

Bodyswap
Valjean: Panicking that Fauchelevent will notice the scars and the brand and the limp and realize that he's an escaped convict and always was and was never the man Fauchelevent was. At the same time, the feeling of sheer relief in not having to live in a convict's body anymore is so overpowering that he doesn't even notice Fauchelevent's aches and pains - I think he always had a complicated relationship with his body, and the way it's been a thing done to and used by other people for the majority of his life, and when he can suddenly be in somebody *else*s body for awhile he actually starts to live in the body a little more. If only he weren't still panicking about Fauchelevent finding out.

...meanwhile Fauchelevent has know about Madeleine's scars and past for years and is just really enjoying his perfect body, even if he knows he doesn't deserve this gift, not even for a little while.

Sexpollen/fuck or die/aliens made them do it
A mysterious old woman sells Fauchelevent an odd strain of pomme de l'amour which she says will induce lust in any man who eats it. Fauchelevent wasn't born yesterday, he doesn't really believe her, but then again, stranger things have happened (like mayors landing on people's heads, accompanied by small children) so he plants it, and keeps it carefully away from the rest of the garden, and when the first fruit is ripe he shares it with Madeleine, and, well, he doesn't *notice* Madeleine acting any differently? But maybe he's just hiding it very well? Maybe if Fauchelevent was just a little less subtle than he'd been before, Madeleine won't be able to resist anymore - okay, less subtle than that - okay, try one more thing - and Madeleine does actually notice at long last! And they do the sex!

Fauchelevent is very careful with that plant and its descendants ever after, even though Madeleine scoffs that the idea that it has any aphrodisiac powers - even if it doesn't, thinking it might is what gave him the courage to finally make his move, after all, and that deserves thanks.

Dark!fic
Madeleine decides not to risk revealing his strength in front of Javert.

(alternate: Javert asks the convent porter if anyone knew has arrived at the convent lately. Javert learns interesting things. Eventually Fauchelevent and Valjean get to be chain-mates, yay.)

Secret kinks
Fauchelevent would be... not entirely adverse to something sticky and hot and sexual happening between him and Madeleine? Not that he would ever say anything like that, of course! A man like Madeleine wouldn't even know that such things were possible!
...Valjean likes to cuddle. He thinks this is a secret. Nobody else does, though.

Their first kiss
It's brotherly and innocent and probably Madeleine kissing him on the forehead or the cheek after a long day in the same absent-minded affection that he's been slowly getting used to with Cosette. Fauchelevent treasures it in his heart.

Meeting the parents
I feel like Fauchelevent actually probably had a not-awful childhood? He was literate even though most of his class weren't, he started out from a pretty good basis in life, he kept in touch with his siblings. He knows there's some reason Madeleine never talks about his past or about the girl's parents, but sometimes he just looks so sad and alone after Cosette goes back to the school, and Fauchelevent starts telling him happy stories of his childhood: about his parents, the countryside, learning to read and showing his parents how to read, holidays and long summers and his brothers and sisters and his friends.

Madeleine doesn't say much in response, but he listens, and sometimes he gets this hungry look on his face. After a long time, when even Fauchelevent is running out of stories, once in a while, a very rare while, he starts telling stories of his own: not very much, always as if he's holding back, but little bits about a mother who loved him and a father who tried very hard and a brother who died young who he barely remembers except in dreams, and a sister who was sad and angry and loving and bright, and a collection of nieces and nephews.

Moving in together
Calling canon on this one!
...they moved into the same bed the first winter. It was just practicality. They never really stopped.

A crossover of my choice
When the tiny, cheap, second-hand space cruiser that Valjean acquired shortly after his escape went down on the uninhabited jungle planet, Javert ended the chase in triumph: no point in messy ground searches, since even if the ship had somehow survived the crash, there was no way it had the power, by itself, to climb out of that gravity well.

What he didn't realize was that Valjean had been crashing toward something - toward a radio beacon that could only be detected from inside the planets atmosphere - that belonged to a botanical survey ship that was exploring the planet. And the ship happened to be controlled by Fauchelevent, who Valjean had gotten into an experimental program that allowed profoundly physically disabled people to become cyborg spaceship pilots, after it became clear that Fauchelevent was never going to recover from having that hovercart land on him, not even with the best of 29th century medicine.

Fauchelevent's been lonely anyway, so he invites Valjean and Cosette to live onboard and help with his missions as long as they want. Cosette's a bit lonely sometimes, living on a ship with only two old men for company, but getting to help explore dozens of new planets is absolutely worth it.

An au of my choice
THE ONE WHERE FAUCHELEVENT DOESN'T DIE AND MOVES OUT OF THE CONVENT WITH THEM AND MAKES JAVERT COME IN FOR TEA INSTEAD OF SEINEING AND EVENTUALLY THERE ARE VALJEAN SANDWICHES WE ALL WANT THIS IT NEEDS TO EXISTS